The scale displays the same number. The same number that was there yesterday, the day before. My stomach aches with lack of food, full of fear and despair. I know I have to tell my coach this isn’t working. How can we drop calories further than we have? How can I find more time to exercise?
I work a more than full-time job as the sole financial provider for our family. My husband and I both have Masters degrees, mine in Business Administration, his in Natural Resources. We both were fortunate to find our passions early in life, when we were in the pinnacle of our youth, pressing our university for all the knowledge we could soak up. His family is a family of accountants. His brother and two of my sister in laws are accountants. I caught the bean counter bug and embraced it fully. Not considering the future, only the here and now, the feeling of being deemed ‘smart’ with a ‘bright future’. My husband always held more promise than me, scoring higher on the Masters admission test. Knowledge coming easy to him, as if he were just gifted with it, while I had to fight for every morsel of learning. He followed his passion, I followed mine.
Mine led me to a financially rewarding career, my line of work being in greater demand and more highly compensated than his. The difference in the financial outcome of our work has haunted me since I finished my education. Since I realized what I’d done. I hand picked myself to provide for the family, giving our two sensible personalities, who were determined to have a stay-at-home parent, no other choice.
What a blessing to have the arrangement we have, I am not overlooking that this is an opportunity. He is an incredible husband and father and quite literally keeps our family going. Despite the considerable balance (accounting pun) of regrets I have managed to compile, I still know I’ve done the right thing. But the right thing has taken it’s toll. The stress of being the sole provider overlayed with my health problems, primarily the pulsing and lack of sleep, has been life altering.
Work isn't the only stressor heavy on my shoulders, on our shoulders. My greatest blessing is also my biggest worry, taxing (see what I did there? Another accounting pun, let me have my fun) my bandwidth, pressing water from a stone, a fully invested mother who is at capacity, never able to escape the feeling of pieces of her heart walking around, posing as independent humans. My kids. This stress a dull ache, driving a nagging feeling that they need more of me, that I’m not doing enough, that I’m letting them down. Many of us not so fondly know this as Mom Guilt and the constant worry, anxiety, comparison, stresses our systems. Our internal narrative manifesting just as other stressors, stealing our sleep, our concentration, sometimes our sanity.
My dilemma being that I feel drawn to spend time with these delightful little humans I call mine, and contrarily, I’m pulled towards my career, both priorities reflecting a substantial investment, both demanding my time, attention, and seizing any available resource. Juggling priorities is a learned skill, one I haven’t mastered, one that requires intentional boundaries and heaps of respect. My lack of proficiency is evidenced in my tears, in my stress, in my pulsing ears.
The weight wasn’t ever going to move. My first online coach (not Dane) was right, the stress of my job, of the office, of the cumbersome burden of being the only person in my family bringing money home, of the Mom Guilt is suffocating. Lots of families are structured this way. They seem to handle the pressure, but my perfectionist, relentlessly worrying personality let the stress and self-doubt grow and overtake the confidence I once felt in my self.
Stress is such a broad term, encompassing so many devastating feelings, least of all overwhelm. It slowly, or sometimes quite suddenly, slithers its way into a life, wrapping itself around limbs, a heart, a vulnerable neck. It’s arresting force refusing to let its victim settle into peace. My first online coach kept repeating that stress was the culprit, that if I could control it, shed it, manage it, my body would release the weight. The funny thing about stress is, when you are told to somehow control it, its winding tendril binds you that much harder, rebuffing your attempts to seize any power. It felt impossible to outrun the stress, and like a domino effect, the impossible turned into hopelessness, and hopelessness turned into despair, despair blanketing me, making my movements heavy and lethargic, consuming what little energy I had left.
Stress lives side by side with us, occupying our hearts, homes, attention. It is victoriously affixed to our chests, like a badge, affirming that we are indeed stretched thin, staying busy, not a moment of peace available. Our society reveres it, issuing accolades for those caught in its pursuit. We run after it until it runs us over. Until our body reaches overwhelm, bringing on a different type of stress, one centered around our health. For years I let cortisol and adrenaline fuel me, not realizing that my lifestyle, including everyone's favorite frenemy, Diet Coke, was only trapping me in the fight/flight/freeze response, cycling me towards burn out. I was convinced I had to succumb to its power, terrified I would not achieve my goals, what would I be without it? Better. I'd be better. Months later, as I slowly continue to find ways to unwind it's tendrils, forcing it to tentatively release its grip, I feel a palpable relief, one that ushers in healing, calm, and best of all, sleep.
I hear you out there, scoffing at my impudent suggestion that stress can be withdrawn, reduced in our lives. It can't be completely evaded, it targets us, hunts our tranquility, relentlessly nipping at our heels, BUT we can take measures to moderate it. Exercising boundaries around our time and commitments, providing our bodies with sufficient whole foods, pouring in a substantial portion of minerals, ditching toxic people and relationships, leaning on healing modalities such as yoga and meditation, and, most importantly, affording ourselves and those around us a healthy dose of grace.
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