4:00 am. Every night at 4 am. I grumble, frustrated that I can’t seem to break this cycle. Grief bubbles up, overwhelms me while I search my countertop frantically for Corteaze, melatonin, and, judging by the emotional hit I’m feeling, I better find my Nyquil too. Despite the dark, my senses are well attuned to the size, shape, and feel of the bottles. I shake a few of each into my palm, anxious to start the process of bringing myself back down, chasing the sleep that escapes me every early morning. I gently lay myself in bed, grabbing my ipad and earphones, starting a show that drags my mind to a safe place, reminding my brain of a more peaceful time, one where grief and sorrow didn’t tug me awake.
Eventually I find sleep. I’m grateful that I am able to find sleep- there was a time that its magic completely eluded me. Where the monster hunted me each night, breathing fire and contempt into my veins, fueling a pulsing in my ears that prevented me from enjoying the gift of pleasant slumber. Unfortunately, this regression in my sleep is not a surprise. It’s been an extremely hard 18 months, health issues born of trauma have haunted my every minute, but I’m making a change for the better. I’m grieving it, but it’s happening.
Sometimes we know we need to make a change, but our continuous search for safety tells us that we should stay where we are at, or continue with the behavior, because we have at least proven we can survive it. And sometimes, our sly brains trick us into thinking we are thriving or that we have no other options, so we best put our heads down and endure. Sometimes that’s all we have- the power to endure- and enduring is respectable. I thought this was my fate, that I would have to be okay with the situation I found myself in, just endure. However, after calling on my peace tool kit (think meditation, prayer, breath work, yoga, and of course, my health coach and therapist) I found hope. And that’s all it took to change everything, to propel me into a better, healthier situation.
It started with reframing the issue. With realizing my innate worth and the valuable skills I’ve garnered over 38 years of life. It took my health coach and therapist suggesting that enduring was never going to translate to thriving, and that my life is not a life sentence, rather a blessing and opportunity for growth. I needed to see things a different way, identify and draw on my resilience, and step out of the known, into the unknown.
Here's what I learned about the unknown. . .I can do it. I’ve done it! I’m here in the unknown and since I entered this space, I’ve experienced so much healing. Still some grief, some sorrow, some regret bubble up, demanding attention, but most of the time, I have peace. I have the confidence and appreciation that I thought enough of myself to make a positive change.
I come home from an arduous day. Dead on my feet, but fulfilled and confident that I can navigate this unknown space, that I have the power and resiliency to be everything needed for success. I brush my teeth, take my sleep supplements, plug in my earphones and ipad- prepared for the early morning emotional wake up. AND I DON’T WAKE UP. I sleep the entire night. The monster doesn’t make an appearance. His anger seems to have been quelled by my positive changes.  No restlessness, no fear, no emotions. I wake up refreshed, full of the knowledge that I can make positive change in my life, for myself, for my family. That I am powerful. And so are you.